The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus Episode II
by Darth Maximus
Summary: Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O
1. Prologue

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Well, here's Episode II, even though I haven't finished Episode I yet! :D Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I like bananas. Do _you_ like bananas? Oh, and I don't own Star Wars.

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Prologue: Return.**

Darth Maximus straightened, grasping at his most famous and foremost Star Destroyer, _The Computer's_ controls. He turned a lever to a sector marked 'Autopilot' and punched in the coordinates of the planet Pie's airspace. Swivelling in his sedan travelling chair, he cranked it down and he plummeted to the ground, shuddering to a halt mere inches from the ground. Before him, Minion Secretary stood, shuffling slightly.

"We are on-course to the airspace of planet Pie," Darth Maximus announced. Minion Secretary brightened up, sat down on a stool nearby, unsheathed her sword and started sharpening it with a very medieval looking rock. Darth Maximus hopped gently off his chair, careful not to disturb Smoochums as he lifted the teddy-bear into his arms. Minion Secretary's russet brown hair shifted slightly as she looked up at Maximus.

"How is Smoochums?" Minion Secretary asked carefully, not knowing what Darth Maximus' reaction would be. Maximus, showing himself to be in a good humour, grinned with a disturbingly large grin at Minion Secretary's shocked face. At that precise moment in time and space, a loud voice interrupted Darth Maximus and Minion Secretary, who had been grinning and staring open-mouthed at each other respectively for the last ten minutes.

"Entering planet Pie's Airspace," the voice said in a deep monotone. "Speak password or be incinerated." Darth Maximus cleared his throat, and grabbed a microphone from Minion Secretary's hand. In the space of about two point six seconds, Minion had travelled to the other side of _The Computer_ and retrieved a microphone.

"Smoooooooooooochums, Moohahahaha!" he sang/spoke with clear authority.

"Password verified," the voice responded. "Authorisation accepted." _The Computer _travelled inwards, closer to the planet until Maximus piloted it outwards and 'parked' the Star Destroyer. Then, with startling agility and gracefulness, he strode to the hangar, still with Smoochums nestled snugly in the crook of his arm. He picked out _The Lamb_, Darth Maximus' lambdashuttle ship, and 

strode into the cockpit. He piloted the ship expertly out of _The Computer's_ hangar and cruised gently towards the surface of the planet, trailed by two PIE Fighters.

* * *

"Approaching Docking Bay One," a voice announced. "Authorised ship entering." At those words, Pietroopers dutifully filed into the Bay to welcome Darth Maximus home. _The Lamb_ glided gracefully into the hangar, folding its wings as it slid to a stop. There was a _hiss_ as the ship's ramp lowered. A pair of boots appeared briefly as there was a jettison of gas, silhouetting Darth Maximus against the ship. The Pietroopers snapped to attention, and Minions One, Two and Three appeared, standing expectantly. The Cleaner was seen in the background somewhere, looking rather angry and waving a mop in the air. Minion Two thought she was yelling angrily,

"Minion Two!! Get your dirty socks out of your room!! Look at these footprints! Disgusting! You should know better!!"

Darth Maximus strode gracefully down the ramp, followed closely by a (metaphorically) hovering Minion Secretary. Maximus' flowing white robes flapped high (not that they didn't do that normally), but his hood still covered his head and most of his hair, excusing a few locks of electric blue hair. The Minions crowded around him, hugging him tightly and screaming things such as:

"Maxy!! We missed you!"

Darth Maximus shook his head. _How dare they?!_ He thought.

"At-teeeen-tion!" Darth Maximus snapped. The Minions skipped back a few paces, and snapped to a salute.

"Wobbufett!" Minion Two yelled out. Darth Maximus glanced at her. Minion Two was standing on her tip-toes, and kept shifting slightly so she wouldn't fall.

"At ease," Darth Maximus growled. The Minions slumped in relief.

"Now, tell me what time it is," Darth Maximus said. Minion Secretary tapped him on his shoulder and helpfully handed him his watch. Maximus took a moment to attach it.

"WHAT?!" he thundered. Minions One, Two, Three and Secretary cowered. "By decree of Darth Maximus it is _not_ eleven o'clock in the morning, but six past ten in the night!" Suddenly, outside of the hangar became dark as the sky became black, and the ten moons of Pie became visible. The light switch of the hangar was turned on.

"Now, tell me how things at Pie while I've been gone," Maximus said as they exited the hangar.

* * *

"Now onto the weather, please be warned that in approximately twenty seconds there will be complete downpour," Darth Maximus said. "After approximately five minutes it will be noon, drizzling slightly. Thank you, citizens of Pie. That is all."

* * *

**A/N:** Well, here's the chapter. What do you think? Good? Bad? Please review!


	2. Chapter 1

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Here's chapter two! Hope you like it :)

**Disclaimer:** Do you think George Lucas would mind if I stole Star Wars from him? :S

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter One: Reviewing Pie.**

Darth Maximus threw on a spotless white cloak that managed to defy gravity and float around his slender frame and strode into the reception area, where the Minions were waiting.

"Today we will be inspecting Pie," Darth Maximus drawled. "I want to see how the vendors are doing. Minion Three! Fetch my equipment and ignite the banana car." Minion Secretary skipped in front of Maximus.

"One moment, sir," she said. "It's drizzling outside and it is eleven at night. You should broadcast." Maximus _facepalmed._

"Why didn't I think of that?"

With that, he skipped towards the video camera and announced clear skies at ten in the morning. Immediately, a bright light filtered in through the panelled windows. Exercising his extreme speed, he reached the reception area in three point oh one seconds. Minion Three strode forwards, bowing low, and offered up the items in her hands.

"Long butter knife, check. One frying pan, check. Portable toilet, check. Lightsaber, check. Dorky hat, _definitely not._" Maximus threw the offending item out and resumed. "Canned Cheerios, check. Ham and cheese pizza..." Darth Maximus looked up with a thunderous expression on his face. "And Smoochums, Minion Three?"

_Oh, no._

Minion Three cringed. You just _did not_ forget a pizza _and_ Smoochums in one go.

"Uhh...I'll be right back," Minion Three promised and sped off.

There was an awkward silence.

_Knock, knock._

The great doors creaked open. Jedi Master Georgio rushed over to Maximus and kissed him on the cheek.

"Jedi Master Georgio is getting Master Maxy to build the Georgio Jedi Temple!!" he squealed, and reached to shake Maximus' hand.

"You just put your hand in Minion One's torso," Maximus informed him disdainfully, and proceeded to kick him out of the manor. Darth Maximus frowned.

"Good riddance," he muttered, and then visibly brightened up. "Minions! Outside to the courtyard, now! It is time for some shooting exercise."

* * *

The Minions watched Darth Maximus apprehensively as he loaded up the pistol. 'Shooting practice' was actually using models of guns to shoot out water. It kept the Minions on their toes. Darth Maximus' mouth stretched into a thin line.

"What planet are you citizens of?!" he shouted. "What city?!"

You see, Darth Maximus had forgotten.

"We are from the city Chicken, Pie!" the Minions chorused together. They had seen Maximus' random memory lapses. Darth Maximus nodded his head, and then loaded the pistol.

"Phase One!" he called out. "Fire!" the pistol went off. As usual, Minion Three beat the rest to the water bullet and swallowed it whole. Maximus fired off a few more shots, mostly all collected by Minion Three, and then changed guns.

"Phase Two!" he brought out a larger pistol.

"Phase Three!" a refined model of the AK-47.

"Phase Four!" a machine gun.

"Perhaps we will continue when we come home," he finished the last round of bullets. "Let us go!"

With that, the Minions and Maximus exited the grounds of the manor.

* * *

"I'm hungry," Darth Maximus said.

They headed to a vendor.

"Two Vampire Blod shakes and a chicken pie," Darth Maximus ordered. The salesman quivered and replied nervously.

"Uh...um...sir...we, uh, don't really...um sell...Vampire Blod shakes," he stuttered. Darth Maximus' face grew stern.

"You will get some. Now," he commanded. The poor man gave Maximus his pie, and then hurried off to his van. The five continued on until they had walked around the whole planet and reached the manor again.

"Time for some sleep, methinks," Darth Maximus said sagely, and headed into his bedroom. "Goodnight, Minions."

One by one, the Minions retired to bed. No one noticed the dark shape lurking outside the manor.

* * *

**A/N:** reviewreviewreviewreviewreviewkthxbai

Please?


	3. Chapter 2

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Jedi Master Georgio likes banana.

**G/N (Georgio's Note):** Now, where'd Snape go? More importantly, where the hell am I?

**Disclaimer:** I claim nothing but a banana.

**A/N no. 2: **Due to some concern from my friends, I believe a small explanation is in order. Darth Maximus controls all functions on the planet Pie, he can control what the time is, what the weather it, even where the planet is! If Darth Maximus gets angry there is an illusion of an explosion outside the planet. On the surface, nothing is harmed. We hope.

Also, concerning the part about Georgio sticking his hand in Minion One. Minion One is made up of air molecules. Have a nice day :)

Just remembered, Chicken is sort of like a state, except it is like...a country on the planet Pie. Therefore, if you have for example...NSW, Australia, you can have Chicken, Pie.

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Two: Explain Yourself.**

Jedi Master Georgio stumbled around, eating a large cheesecake as he did so.

Jedi Master Georgio stumbled around, eating a large cheesecake as he did so.

"Wuaah!" he tripped over a stick.

**DMDMDMDM**

Darth Maximus flicked on the light as he swept out of the room. His Minions were already in the living room.

"Did you hear that?" he demanded. From outside, there was another shout.

"Wuaaah!"

Darth Maximus composed himself.

"I swear by those cookies over there that _that_ noise is Georgio," Maximus snarled. He unlatched one of the windows with his non-existent magic powers. With a thud, Georgio fell from the sill.

"Hey, apprentice!!" Georgio screamed into Darth Maximus' ear. "DO YOU LIKE BANANAS?"

Maximus kicked him out of the door.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

He slammed the door.

"Now," he growled. "We will check that all shops have a large stock of Vampire Blod in their stores." He skipped over to the video camera and broadcasted a message.

"Hello, citizens of Pie! It will now be twenty-five o'clock and a slightly windy sun will be out. Yes, windy sun. It will be fluctuating around the planet. I will be out with my Minions in Chicken, Pie." With that, Darth Maximus threw on his cloak and strode out of the door, followed by his Minions.

"Synchronised skipping!" he barked, and started skipping down the lane. "Left, right, left, right..."

* * *

Jedi Master Georgio ate an apple as he waited for Jedi Master Yoda to arrive. Yoda had the latest news about pink fluffy slippers, and as a fan of them Goergio was quite obviously ecstatic. He jumped up from his seat as he heard Yoda's classic entering of the room: Trying very obviously to be quiet yet being extremely loud. He was holding a magazine.

"Good slippers, there are!" he snuffled at one of the pages. Georgio's face lit up in excitement as he tip-toed over.

* * *

"...left, right, left, right, left, right..."

"...right, left, right, right, left, right..."

"HALT!" Darth Maximus skipped to a stop, the Minions specifically in place1. "Welcome to the Impierial Army Barracks," he gestured grandly. An important looking soldier with a butter knife flanked by two men with rocket launchers approached him.

"I am Captain Plopple. Welcome to the Impierial Army Barracks."

* * *

**A/N:** "Here you go. Just a random little chapter," said Darth Maxi-

Damnit, talking in 'story mode' again.

1 Their places assigned are like this. Darth Maximus is facing the way of this text.

DM

M2 M1 M3

MS


	4. Chapter 3

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Kerfluffle.

**Disclaimer:** ?sacuL egroeG ekil kool I oD

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Three: The Dark Author.**

Darth Maximus strode through the various buildings, gesturing to soldiers throwing banades1, fighting each other with wooden practice swords, shooting targets, even soldiers marching in Darth Maximus' Specialised Formations2, followed by his faithful Minions, who were exactly in the same step as he was. They were obviously practicing Synchronised Walking3.

"In these Barracks, my soldiers are trained in all the military functions they need, including warfare tactics, shooting, fighting hand-to-hand, and formations. They must know every single stance there is, every formation there is, everything. Ban-aaa-na!" Darth Maximus ordered. Captain Plopple, who had been walking with them, immediately snapped back, dipping back with his face facing the sky, so that he resembled a banana.

"That is one of the stances, but it is mostly used in parades rather in combat," Darth Maximus explained. "At ease!" The captain drooped down, resting. "Normal!" Maximus called. Plopple straightened back into a normal walking mode.

"Do we have to learn all this?" Minion Two asked queasily. "I don't like the look of that Banana Stance." Darth Maximus shook his head.

"No, that is specifically for the **G**rand **A**rmy of **M**aximus."

Minion Two blew a breath of relief. Minion Three started jumping up and down on her toes with her hand in the air. Maximus raised an eyebrow.

"I want to be the Treasurer!" she yelled. Maximus nodded emphatically exactly five times, and spontaneously started to cough. Wheezing, he gestured at Minion Secretary. Nodding quickly, she sped off into the distance and reappeared exactly five point zero two seconds later, with Darth Maximus' pink and green spotted inhaler, which he puffed at exactly five times. He then stuffed it into his pocket, along with his beloved Smoochums, which he took out and started to talk to, oblivious to the outside world. Exactly seven minutes and thirty-six seconds later, he put away Smoochums and continued to explain to the Minions about the Impierial Barracks, as if he had not just been talking to an inanimate teddy bear like his best friend. But then again, theMinions found this completely normal.

* * *

"Is it confirmed he is on Pie?" Supreme Chancellor Organa asked. Jedi Master Mace Windu stood up.

"Chancellor, please reconsider. You are putting in danger the lives of billions by attempting to blow up Pie," he said, with his brow furrowed. Grand Master Yoda also put in his useful input.

"Also, chief source of the food pie they are," he spoke wisely. "Should it be destroyed, no pie we shall have in the Republican Empire." Bail Organa shook his head.

"We shouldn't even _be_ a Republican Empire!" he said vehemently. "We are the Galactic Republic! Or we were until a _Sith Lord_ conquered the whole Known Universe!"

"Consider it Darth Maximus' goodwill that he leaves the Jedi _and_ the Senate almost completely. Unlike his predecessors, he does not believe that conquering us will do any good! Consider _that,_ at least," Mace protested. "He rules fairly, instead of like an egotistical brat." Organa considered this.

"What do you propose we do then?" he asked.

"Why have you even called this meeting?" asked Windu. "There's no point..."

Organa put his hands on his hips and suddenly spoke with a female voice.

"Consider it the will of the author!" he/she/it said.

**DMDMDMDMDM**

**Darth Maximus' Manor.**

"I think something just exploded," said Minion Secretary. Darth Maximus swivelled in his chair to look at her.

"What?" he asked, confused. Minion Secretary stared at him.

"What do you mean, what?" she asked. Darth Maximus gave her a pointed look.

"What do you mean by saying what do you mean, what?" he finally said. "You just said you thought something just exploded." Minion Secretary gave him a funny look.

"Did I?"

"Yea."

"Oh..."

"I must look into this," Darth Maximus said grimly. "I believe this is a case of the Dark Author." Minion Secretary just looked confused.

"What's that?" she asked. Minions One, Two and Three entered at that precise moment in time.

"What's what?" they asked in unison. Darth Maximus sighed, exasperated.

"The Dark Author has visited a few times in history. We believe that our lives are being governed by the Author, that he or she controls everything we do. But in strange times of madness, the Author goes...mad...to say, and becomes the Dark Author. This may be a hard time for all of us. There's no telling what the Author will do!" he explained in one breath.

"Eep," said Minion Two.

"Who said that?!" Darth Maximus glowered. "Anyway, the Dark Author also visits _stories._ Yes, stories, as in books. The most recent one I have found that has been a case of the Dark Author is in J.K. Rowling's books Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows4. That is the most recently documented visit of the Dark Author in stories.

"So, I want you all to be on guard. You may have the impulse to say something very random, or do things banana...damn it! I mean t say, or do things random. So be very careful."

**DMDMDMDMDM**

**A/N:** Zomg, the Author Strikes Back! :D

1: Banades are banana grenades. Duh!

2: Darth Maximus' Special Formations are marching styles and stances. Styles include: Backstrut, Forwardstrut, Stride, Moonstrut, Moonwalk and more. Stances include: Attention, Banana, Attena (Attention/Banana) and more.

3: Synchronised styles are where everyone in a group is doing the same thing, for example if someone places their left foot down everyone has their left foot down at the same time as well. Synchronised styles to date are: Synchronised Walking, Synchronised Skipping, Synchronised Hugging, Synchronised Killing, and many more.

4: Yes, I am blatantly flaming JK Rowling.


	5. Chapter 4

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Yes, I know I haven't updated in ages. Don't kill me please!! Here's the long awaited...DARK AUTHOR!

**Disclaimer:** Yes, it's all mine! All of Star Wars! But, sadly no.

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Three: And the Devil wears ice skates**

"Popsicle," Darth Maximus said. Then, he pressed his lips together firmly in a horizontal slash, and turned around in his seat, steepling his fingers. Consequently, the dark and imposing throne he was sitting on turned into a pink fluffy toy for three seconds and back, unhinging the jaws of Minions One, Two, Three and Minion Secretary. Of course, no one could actually see Minion One's mouth.

"Stop that gaping, you'll catch flies," Maximus snapped, and tossed his head. The four Minions jaws snapped back in perfect time.

_Good,_ Maximus thought. _At least they're still practicing their synchronisation._

Darth Maximus and his minions were currently seated around a large mahogany table in the proclaimed War Room, which was indeed why they were there, for they were about to wage war. Upon the Dark Author.

"References to this Dark Author are extremely vague in every book in the Grand Library," he informed the Minions. Minion Secretary raised her hand.

"Sir, I didn't know we had a Grand Library," she said, puzzled. Darth Maximus turned his gaze to her, burning a hole in her head.

Which promptly healed itself, after approximately zero point six seconds.

"Neither did I," he said at length, leaning back in his chair, which suddenly up-ended itself, depositing Maximus on the hard, stone ground. He growled, righted the chair, and then plopped himself down on it again.

"Very well, let this War Council session begin," he pronounced after composing himself and clearing his throat.

"Good evening," Maximus began coldly, his glance sweeping across the room. He snapped his fingers once, and immediately the sky outside darkened from mid-morning to twilight. Stars were sprinkled across the sky daintily and suddenly ten moons popped into existence. Maximus scowled, but returned his gaze to the Minions.

"We are here to see what we have discovered about the Dark Author," he continued, pushing himself out of his seat and beginning to pace.

"Minion Secretary, what have you found?" he asked, stopping and turning around to face her.

Minion Secretary cleared her throat and also stood up, wincing at the loud cat meow that came forth instead of the scraping of the chair on stone. She picked up a folder.

"All of the references have been extremely vague," she started. "I've only found the Dark Author lurking once in those two Harry Potter books you mentioned."

"What about ways to stop this Dark Author?" Maximus queried, beginning to pace again. "For we must stop this tree from eating Jedi."

Murmurs broke out around the room, and Darth Maximus quickly realised that the Dark Author had manipulated him into saying what he had just said. Glaring around the room, he rephrased.

"What I meant to say was that chickens can sail over the sixth moon while eating..." Maximus trailed off once he realised that he was once again spouting nonsense.

"Perhaps the Dark Author does not wish for you to say anything," Minion Two said cautiously.

"Very true," Maximus mused, and turned to face the window. After half an hour, he turned around again.

"Very well, all of you are dismissed. We will Google this tomorrow on the internet."

**

* * *

  
**

"Master Yoda, do you really think there is a chance the Dark Author can be defeated?" Obi-Wan Kenobi, recently returned from the dead, and back in his apprentice form, asked. Yoda turned away from the window and sighed, suddenly grew two metres in height, and then shrank again.

"Know an answer, I do not," he said, sighing. "Wait it out, we must."

"Perhaps there is a way to beat this Dark Author!" Obi-Wan replied vehemently. "Or at least, stop him or her."

"Perhaps, perhaps." Yoda strode away rather quickly. Or as quickly as a very short Jedi Master could. Half-way down the corridor, he turned into a poodle and disappeared down the corner, leaving a very startled Padawan.

**

* * *

  
**

"Wuaah!" Georgio exclaimed as he bumped into Mace Windu. "Master Windu!" his half green, half pink hair bounced as he rapidly pumped Mace's hand.

"Er...yes..." Mace replied, slowly extracting his hand from Georgio's grip. "Listen, have you seen Master Yoda anywhere?"

Georgio nodded his head cheerfully and grinned.

"He turned into a poodle!" he exclaimed, before fleeing down the hallway to his rooms. Mace turned around to watch him leave.

"Honestly, a poodle?" he said aloud, throwing up his hands and striding away. Never did the thought occur to him that Georgio actually might be right for once.

**

* * *

  
**

**A/N:** Hello! Some more exciting Author action, resulting in the mysterious disappearance of Yoda!


	6. Chapter 5

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Yeah, Escapades of DARTH! Maximus!

**Disclaimer:** No pies were harmed in the making of the Escapades of DARTH! Maxim- wait, wrong disclaimer. I own _no_ Star Wars!

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter Five: And the War Begins!**

The Jedi Order was in chaos. Their Grand Master had disappeared, and more and more Jedi were finding that their life was going wonky. Then, wonder of wonders, Maximus, the evil Sith Lord had proclaimed that the Dark Author was back, and terrorizing the general populace. Needless to say, the Jedi were scared.

Jedi Master Yoda whined plaintively at a nearby Jedi, who ignored him and continued on his way, forgetting the annoyed Force waves flowing off the Grand Master. Yoda trotted down the hallway miserably, disliking the experience of being a poodle immensely. There were footsteps from the other intersecting corridor and Yoda suddenly found that being extremely short meant that he could be tripped over very easily. He slowly clambered to his feet and found himself looking into the eyes of one Jedi Master Georgio.

"Master Yoda!" Georgio exclaimed, a large grin coming to the fore. "How are you?"

Yoda barked at him.

Georgio stroked a beard that suddenly came into existence. When he lifted his hand, the beard disappeared.

"You want me to take you to the Jedi Council?" he asked, peering at Master Yoda, who nodded. "Well, come on then!"

Going to the Jedi Council had been a disaster. Not only did the Council brush off Georgio's statements that the poodle was indeed, their Grand Master Yoda, but they made consigned him to the Jedi Master Georgio himself. A living nightmare, Yoda postulated. It was little wonder that Knight Taylorè had turned to the Dark Side.

He sighed; little point in getting worked up _now._ What was done was done, and he was now stuck in Georgio's quarters as the Jedi Master in question indulged himself in sugar bananas. He made his way through biscuit crumbs, banana peels and pocket watches until he reached the other side of the room, jumping on the bed and falling into a deep sleep.

**

* * *

  
**

Darth Maximus shivered a little and scowled. Stupid weather. He flicked on the recording camera and broadcasted a short report explaining that in approximately three minutes the blizzard would stop, making way for glorious sunshine.

Ahh, the wonders of planetary control.

But still, there was the extremely pressing concern of the Dark Author; How would they defeat something that had total control over them? Maximus felt a slight pressure in his head and resisted, struggling with the Dark Author for seven point three two six four seconds before losing and doing the chicken dance.

After the dance was finished, he glared, and then gaped as his hair turned a lovely shade of pink. Stalking over to his potions laboratory, Maximus proceeded to dunk his head into a bubbling potion, returning his electric blue hair colour.

"Darth Maximus, Darth Maximus, Darth Maximus!" Minion Secretary called, swimming down the hall to him. "Something terrible has occurred!"

Maximus scowled and swept out of the lab.

"What is it?" he snapped, drying his hair on a white towel that suddenly appeared from nowhere.

"Minion Three found Smoochums in his bed, murdered!" Minion Secretary exclaimed. "She thinks it is the work of the Dark Author!" At that point, Minion Three leapt from behind a bust of Darth Maximus that popped into existence, nodding emphatically. "It's true!"

Darth Maximus gaped. Smoochums dead?!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he wailed in agony, and fled down the hall to find Smoochums.

Arriving in his bedroom, he found Smoochums hale and hearty, doing a lively jig. Maximus glowered.

"Stupid Dark Author."

**

* * *

  
**

"Something _must_ be done about the Dark Author!" Darth Maximus thundered, his voice ringing around the War Room. "We cannot let the Author lose! I mean win!"

He turned into a chicken for a second, before turning back.

"See what I mean?!" he yelled. "The Dark Author is making everything wrong! The Jedi Order is in disarray! My Galactic Republican Empire is collapsing around my ears!"

"But what can we do to stop the Dark Author?" Minion Two asked in a small voice, munching on ice cream. Maximus sat down heavily on his disturbingly orange throne.

"I have a theory," he began slowly. "I believe that if we act as randomly and crazily as possible, the Dark Author will get bored and leave us alone. After that, we can return to normal."

"Then we must make the announcement at once!" Minion Secretary cried, leaping from her seat and pointing her finger in the air in a hopefully majestic position. "I will make the transmission to the Republican Empire. Let the war begin!"

**

* * *

  
**

**A/N: **Hello! Please review! Bye!


	7. Chapter 6

_**The Escapades of DARTH! Maximus: Episode II**_

**Summary:** Darth Maximus has now come back from his touring the Galaxy. Now, on his home planet of Pie, he is reunited with his Minions, and shall go on various misleading adventures... :O

**A/N:** Sorry it's a little late.

**Disclaimer:** Hope you weren't expecting a funny and interesting disclaimer here...I'm out of inspiration, unfortunately.

* * *

**Chapter Six: Truce**

"Good evening, Master Windu," the hologram greeted, the pale blue transmission flickering for a moment. "Where is the Grand Master?"

Windu shifted uncomfortably, and forcefully reined back the impulse to extend his Force senses in yet another search for Yoda. "He is currently...indisposed at the moment, Taylorè."

Darth Maximus scowled a little at the mention of his former name, but then straightened and bore it with a casual shrug. "Then relay this message to him.

"All members of the Republican Empire will cease to act in a socially normal and acceptable manner. Furthermore, citizens will commence the practice of wearing hot pink woolly socks. This is all part of the war effort to the Dark Author."

"Tell me, Maximus," Mace Windu laced his fingers together, trying very hard not to wince at the Imperial edict. "What do you know of the Dark Author?"

Maximus blinked.

"I happen to contain various tomes in my personal library which pertain to the Dark Author," he said.

Windu narrowed his eyes. "The Jedi Order would be willing to offer a temporary truce in order to fight the threat of the Dark Author," he elucidated cautiously. "We can offer you all of our knowledge on the Author in return for your help."

The Sith Lord gave him a blistering look.

"Of course I would help the Galaxy," he snapped. "It is _my_ Republican Empire, after all."

Windu repressed a grimace.

"I understand, Darth Maximus," he replied. "Send word as soon as you wish to come to Yavin 4."

The hologram shimmered, and then disappeared.

**

* * *

**

"Commence attack plans," Maximus somehow managed to drawl in a monotone. Minion Secretary nodded enthusiastically and screamed into a giant megaphone, "START THE FIRST WAVE!"

Her scream was heard throughout the entire charted regions of the galaxy. Darth Maximus' ears were still ringing half an hour later.

As soon as the annoying buzz was out of the way, Maximus rolled on his bright pink socks and took off his boots. He then made a wide sweeping gesture, his cape rising into the air and staying suspended – a gravity defying object. He pulled his hood down and revealed the shockingly electric blue hair to the general populace...and sang.

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT..." the normally stoic Sith Lord screamed at the top of his lungs.

**

* * *

**

Somewhere, in a different dimensional plane, a certain Dark Author winced and clapped her hands over her ears.

**

* * *

**

"Do you truly believe it will work?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked Windu as they strolled down the Jedi Temple's corridors. "Darth Maximus' ploy, I mean."

Windu looked thoughtful for a moment. "With Darth Maximus at the forefront of this war, I am sure we will succeed," he responded. "Even as a Padawan Learner and Apprentice he seemed to be able to defeat the most notorious and powerful of opponents. Except for Master Georgio..."

The two Council masters winced at the painful reminder of what shall now be known as 'the Banana Incident'.

"Poor Master Yoda," Ki-Adi-Mundi commiserated. "But more concerning, where is Master Yoda anyway? I believe I have not seen him since the end of yesterday."

"Indeed," Mace replied, his brow furrowing. "I have not sensed his Force presence recently either, even with Master Yoda's large Force aura."

"This is worrying," Adi-Mundi frowned. "You don't believe it is the Dark Author's doing, do you?"

Mace looked uncertain for a moment. "It may well be," he said. "Perhaps Georgio's claim was right after all..."

His fellow Jedi Master looked intrigued. "Oh...?"

The two walked away together, managing to forget about the poor green alien that was named Yoda for the time being.

**

* * *

**

The Dark Author chuckled evilly to himself...or was it herself? Anyway, due to the subtle plots that were the Author's, the confused Jedi would forget the pesky Grand Master for a while. The green monster would have been a rather large nuisance to the Author's plans...

She winced as a particularly loud blast of 'Barbie Girl' filtered through to her pocket of space, courtesy of Darth Maximus.

The Dark Author frowned. Something would have to be done about the blue haired Sith Lord soon, or all her well thought out plots and plans would be all for nothing.

Thankfully, no one was around to hear the strangely creepy cackle that the Dark Author _emanated._ Yes, emanated.

**

* * *

**

"Do you think it's working?" Minion Two asked anxiously, offering a cool glass of lemonade to Darth Maximus as he took a break from singing extremely vociferously and annoyingly.

"I think so," Minion Three replied, looking up at the cloudless sky. "I mean, I haven't seen the Dark Author do anything...well, bad, today."

"'Tis only the first day of battle, and vee are doing extremely vell!" Maximus shouted in a German accent.

"Wait, never mind."

**

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**

**A/N:** Hope you liked it! Review please, you make DM a very happy individual.


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